She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
