if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
