Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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