You just made me feel so damn special
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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