my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
