I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
