I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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