Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
