i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just puked most of my soul out..
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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