i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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