I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
