Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
