rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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