My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
