you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
