I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Congratulations! We have a period
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