The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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