My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
