Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
