Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
