Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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