last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
