I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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