It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
