There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Randomize
