I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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