My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
