Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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