I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
