I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
