i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
