If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
