there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
