My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
