Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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