I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
