I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
