Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
