he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
