I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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