come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
