I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Two words: blizzard sex
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
