I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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