he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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