i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
