as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
