How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
