I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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