could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
