hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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