I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My cat gives me a boner
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
