Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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